-i havent written one of these in a while. im hoping writing one of these will idk spark some kind of desire/momentum to write more. writing is never not a pain. thats not exactly it tho- writing is never not an act of pushing against some resistance. there are times when i write in a kind of fuge [i don't know how to spell that word] state. like im on fire, so maybe the resistance is less visible/i feel it less? but every other time its putting one foot in front of another. i kind of hate every word as i write it.
ive heard writers talking about how when you look back at your work, the stuff you wrote in that fugue* state is indistinguishable in terms of general quality from the stuff you wrote when you were struggling to write.
*[i looked up the spelling- turns out "A fugue state (dissociative fugue) is a rare psychiatric condition characterized by sudden, unexpected travel away from home, accompanied by amnesia for one's past and confusion about personal identity". i get the dissociation part but i didnt know about the travel, amnesia, identity stuff. What??]
i find this [the two things being indistinguishable] to be somewhat true of my own work. There is one marked difference for me though- i tend to remember the stuff i wrote in a fugue state much more clearly. when i go back and read a piece i wrote like that, the words, sentences, phrases feel super familiar-maybe cause they had been brewing in the background for a long time before they came out onto the page kind of already formed?
The other stuff- the stuff i write when i am forcing myself to write [like right now], feels completely new when i read it after any interval. And that feels genuinely exciting and fun in every other medium for me [colours, woodwork, music] but NEVER WRITING. its always a pain. theres no jazzing [i watched soul with my mum day before]. theres no flow state to be had- or rather, the closest i get to a flow state when writing by force is a kind of reluctant surrender - this piece is going to suck so screw it- just put some words that convey meaning and forget about spelling and grammar and structure and whatnot. But even after that, even after the surrendering of quality, it still feels gross/frustrating to put words in order and then let them exist all tangible on paper/screen. much like travelling, writng for me is a thing to be mostly enjoyed in hindsight and rarely ever in the moment.
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the world is on fire. when is it not. its more actively on literal fire rn but i dont know what that means anymore. if theres going to be a war, im not exercising or eating well or doing any of that longevity stuff. im having chocoate and laying on the floor. existing is exhausting. i have clealry had no sleep.
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appropo of nothing- the phrase "rearranging deck chairs on the titanic" is linked in my head to "casabianca on the burning deck". casabianca was shown to us as an example of parent pleasing we should look up to/strive for. at least he died a good obedient boy. i dont have anything to say about this tbh its just messed up that we were taught that story not as a cautionary tale.
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a writing thing i want to try to do this year is collect rejection mails [ie actually send out work] and have a goal [like i get to quit and never send anything out again after i collect 20 rejections in a row for work i think is complete].