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of all the autobiographical formats of writing the one that can get me closest to an inner monologue (i don't have one) is the vlog.theres something about the old indie youtube vlog - it feels like a very private letter to a friend from a time when other modes of communication, faster ways of conveying life stuff, weren't around. like if i could only tell a friend, a dear friend, what was going on in my life, once a month, if that, what would i choose to tell them about? some combination of mundane life things and things i'm thinking about i think. theres some joy in being perceived in slow motion- if i must be perceived at all.
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i will always be desperate for a great friend. i have great friends. and yet it seems i will always long for a partner in crime to open a detective agency with. whenever i see two wild animals (often from different species) interact, there a dumb kid part of me that lights up at the though that they are friends. like "OH MY GOD THEY ARE BEST FRIENDS AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER AND THEY WILL DO ADVENTURES TOGETHER".
when i was little i read an article in the paper about two dutch women who got married to each other. i took it to my home best friend (as opposed to my school best friend who was more erudite and less adventury) all excited like LOOK. BEST FRIENDS CAN GET MARRIED TO EACH OTHER NOW! (the dutch women were gay)(my home best friend was not)(i wanted to start a detective club and solve mysteries). she said no.
years later, i asked my school best friend if she would adopt me as her sister cause if i adopted a child when i was older, i would like that child to have an aunt. she said no.
i moved (was forcibly relocated by parentals) before 10th. when we were saying our final goodbye, my school best friend (who was also my main best friend by this time), said she hopes she will find someone like me (but who will be around/in the same place as her) to be close to. that, to this day i think, still breaks my heart a little. i didn't think i was someone to be close to because i was around. i thought we would write each other letters and someday, when we were big, we would go on adventures and do pranks. i should've known better though. she didn't like it when her socks got dirty or when i lost things (my own things) because i was busy going adventuring. she though i was too old to be misplacing stuff this easily (we were in 8th standard)(so..maybe?). she's an accountant now.
my high school best friend became my best friend the day she called me a bitch on Orkut. she posted on my wall "im so sorry to be impolite but- BITCH! Where you went?". it was true love. it lasted for a long long while (about half my life) and then it didn't. we made a pact on a napkin in a coffee place. the pact was called FABA- fish and (something with b) allowed. bunnies? backstreet boys? but not husbands and stuff. (we were in our late 20s. it was a declaration of queer platonic TRUE LOVE). in college, she fell in love with a girl who had fantastic eyeliner game (R). R was boderline goth and listened to Nirvana. so my best friend listened to Nirvana. so i listened to Nirvana. she said the idea of ever being with a man was soul level ew. she also said if i ever changed my mind about being single and got married, she's sorry but she will have to kill the guy. she said "if you ever lose your mind and decide to get married, i will show up to your wedding in full victorian mourning garb and wail in front of the dias". the last time i spoke to her, after we hadn't talked for a year, i said "btw, im married now" (just to get yelled at and be called a bitch and feel general affections) she said "oh wow, congrats!". i said "i'm obviously kidding". she said "oh. well". i said "do you remeber the stuff about the victorian mourning garb?". she said "haha. yeah i was so silly. you know ive always wanted to get married (to a man)". i still love Nirvana. 90s Kurt Cobain style is my everything.
how to say im a hopeless romantic (but for a friend)?.
it feels stupid to love chocolate and playing this much. like, everyone else seems to have outgrown it. i want to love alcohol and romance (like matrix 2/3/4 lets NOT start a detective agency and instead let's get a mortgage). i want to be all- look the photographer captured a one off moment where a little bird is perched on the trunk of an elephant on a misty morning in the forest, how marvellous and NOT something that probably happens everyday where they catch up about what's going on the forest because they love each other and they do pranks on the cats.